I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
