Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
