she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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