just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
