I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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