I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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