And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
