i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
