I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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