Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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