Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
