We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
please come you make the beer taste better
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just want to make out with him forever
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