I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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