the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
