Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
