3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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