my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
