I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
