update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
