dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
