my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
