did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
