my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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