..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
