if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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