Only a mothe r could love this liver
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
