just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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