Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
pray to the hookup gods
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
