I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize