dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
