ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
