you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
