matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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