i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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