I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
