I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
