new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
