I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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