Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
