I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
