I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
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