well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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