This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
