I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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