I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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