sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
