please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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