I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
