I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
