drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
