I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sorry my hands just texted you
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
