I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
