remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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