i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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