my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
