i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
