apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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