I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
