Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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