My underwear smells like fireworks.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I have fence marks all over my body
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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